Funeral Home Visit
I drove my dad and sister to the funeral home of Mom’s choosing to make the arrangements. The funeral home was vacant, except for one lone car. We were greeted by a friendly, casually dressed Funeral Director. To my surprise the funeral home seemed to need some upkeep. The concrete steps needed repaired, paint was chipping, cloth awnings fading. Once inside the foyer, the oriental rugs were worn, carpet ornate but faded. The home was massive. He ushered us into a large, but vacant side office. He was very forward about the costs, which was very appreciated. There was no upselling, no pushy sales and no false sympathy. He also let us know that the funeral home provided the death certificates. He would get us three copies, the norm he said. If we needed additional to let him know. Any questions I could text him. He led us into a very small showroom of 8 caskets, samples of other models, visitation books, prayer cards, etc., while he went into another office. During that time he asked if we were expecting others as two men approached the main entrance. Surprised, I said no, and he met two men at the door. The Director explained that an appointment is preferred. These men in easily in their late 60’s, introduced themselves and explained that they were in the area and had some questions. The director stated that he was currently with an appointment and to return in about two hours. Afterwards, I thought, who in their right mind, would just randomly stop at a funeral home – in this day and age- just to ask questions? After we made our choices, I asked him if Mom was here. He explained that though he lived there, this was a satellite location and Mom was at their main home about 8 miles away. Later, when I explained this to dad, he was a little upset, as this location was only 3 miles from home.
Mom Pre-Planned
Mom had pre-planned her funeral, in the sense that she worked out almost 2 years prior with our parish Priest her choices. Mom picked all hymns and scriptures. She left notes in her office of her preference in casket (cherry) and her clothing. You even wrote a poem to be read for her eulogy. So, these things helped immensely. Also, she wanted the visitation, Mass and burial all in one day. This is a relatively new trend in our parish, but Mom really liked the idea. Also, thankfully about a year earlier, Mom and I had purchased 8 plots in our parish cemetery. Our Priest gave us a great deal and squeezed out enough plots for our immediate family. We were going to work on opening and closing costs in the spring when I got my tax return. When it came time to write the obituary and eulogy, the Director let me know that newspaper obituaries in our area are very expensive. For a modest in length obituary, for only one day, was $600.00. Regardless, we chose to have it in two of our local papers, as I wanted as many people as possible to attend her funeral. In the obituary I asked that in lieu of flowers, that any mourners please light a votive candle for her soul. Our parish has an exact replica of the Lourdes Grotto in France behind the church, which leads to the cemetery. Inside the grotto “cave” are approximately 100 votive candles to be lit for various causes and prayers. Later, by our estimation at least 30 candles were lit for the repose of her soul. Mom being of Irish decent, liked the idea of a wake, and the Knights of Columbus Hall is adjacent to the church, so immediately after internment, all were welcomed for luncheon. The church has a funeral dinner committee and dad made arrangements with them to purchase the food/drinks for 120 people. It was a great bargain at $1000.00, including the hall, courtesy of our brother-in-law, who is a Knight. All said and done, with opening/closing, funeral home services, obituaries and food it was just under $13,000.00. Mom had $21,500.00 in life insurance, but it takes weeks to get the payout. So, dad withdrew from the savings to pay for it. We had a brief meeting at the Parish house with our Priest to go over the arrangements. He had visited Mom at the hospital three times to anoint her and called me during her final hours and after her death. He started with a prayer for her and went over Mom’s Mass notes. I was surprised to learn that Mom’s eulogy needed to be trimmed for brevity. This was due to his concern over taking from the point of the Mass. So, when I was finished with my draft, I sent it to Father for the okay. He did okay it, though long, most likely out of love for Mom. Later, I made four photo boards for the visitation and hall luncheon. I had to drop off Mom’s clothing, compression hose, undergarments at the main funeral home. This location was situated next to a vast cemetery. This funeral home was much older, and it too, needed some upkeeping. At the main funeral home, which was massive, I had to walk around three sides of the building to find the correct entrance. As all the other entrances were locked with a ‘see main entrance’ sign. Once I found the main entrance, more of a side doorway with three steps, I had to buzz an old-fashioned intercom. I expected to be buzzed in, but no. I stated my name and reason, and an elderly woman cracked the door open just wide enough to take the bag of clothes. I realized that extreme precautions are probably in place due to curiosity seekers, or worse.
The Funeral
The family needed to be at the church by 9:00 A.M. This was to give us some time with her before the public visitation. That was the first time we were to see her since the hospital. Once at the church, I was surprised to see that her open casket was at the back of the church, near the entrance. Mom looked good. The funeral home prepared her with minimal make-up. They curled her hair and left her hands untouched. None of the excessive heavy flesh tone, that I had seen at prior calling hours. I prayed for her every chance I had. Especially at her casket. Having read a lot about the poor souls in purgatory, I know that the dead need our prayers for their deliverance. Soon the visitors arrived, to sign in and greet the family. One an old friend who has the ‘gift’ came from over an hour away. She explained to me that later I needed to call her, she had some information for me. Others filed past mom, some visibly upset, most praying for her, even more looking over the photo boards. A lot were taking snapshots of her old photos. I had a friend discreetly take pictures of mom and film parts of the funeral Mass. About 80 people viewed mom and stop to chat with various family members. Most visitors found a pew to settle in, waiting for the Mass to begin. The entire time the funeral director would approach to let me know what cues to wait for during the upcoming Mass. He was always straightforward, no false sympathies nor mournful expressions. At this time, he let me know Mass was to begin shortly and that we needed to view mom for the final time. The casket would be locked for Mass and burial. I placed a blessed Miraculous Medal on moms folded hands, and let the funeral director know. He asked if she would be buried with it, and I said yes.
The First eulogy was read by one of mom’s friends who was also a reader in church. It was the funnier one, so Father asked that it be read before Mass.
The Mass
The Mass began at the back of the church, mom’s closed casket waiting at the end of the aisle. Father started with the prayers as all the mourners faced the back of the church. Father blessed the casket with holy water, and on cue, my brother and I placed the pall over the casket and the funeral director placed the large almost 3-foot-long crucifix that mom wanted to lay atop her casket. Father proceeded down the aisle, with visiting priests and deacons while the funeral directors wheeled mom’s casket in front of the altar. My brother and I followed the casket and then took our place in the pew.
Mass proceeded with all of the readings and after the gospel the second eulogy was read by another reader friend of moms. This one pertained to her love of the church. After Father spoke about mom’s faith and virtues, communion was served. Soon the Mass was ended and all of the eight pallbearers took their positions behind the casket. Once again, the funeral director coached them. They carried her casket down the two flights of stairs unto the awaiting hearse and helped place her onto the rollers, sliding her casket in. The cemetery was directly behind the church, so we never had to drive on the road. No magnetic funeral signs were attached to the vehicles. We followed the lead car and hearse up the steep hill to the main entrance of the cemetery.
The Burial
Due to the recent rain, the burial service was not held over our actual plots. Instead, the green funeral canopy was located just off the gravel path under a cluster of trees, surrounded by graves. Dad was a little confused and the cemetery foreman let dad know that the burial was only staged here. She would be buried in her plot. In fact you could see the yellow backhoe from where we were. After all arrived and surrounded the canopy, all of the family sat and stood around her casket. The directors placed the flower spray with the ribbons stating, ” Wife Mother Grandmother” atop her casket. Father began the very brief prayer service reading from the Christian Burial Rites. Each of us took a rose from the spread and the funeral director asked all the please go over to the adjacent Knights Of Columbus Hall for the luncheon. The burial service was over.
The Luncheon Wake
We walked the short distance to the rental hall, the church funeral committee waiting for the mourners. I had removed mom’s photo boards from the church, plus added another for guests. Several of us loaded flowers, planters gifted from mom’s admirers and placed them in the hall. We all tried to maintain the front that we were strong and in good spirits. Several friends and extended family members came to the luncheon who missed the Mass.
After dining and much small talk, a sister spoke a few words about mom. The real highlight being my great nieces and nephew, only aged between 1 and 4 years old, running, crawling and laughing. How mom would have loved that! My oldest sister, who has Benson’s Syndrome, tried her best to socialize and walk by herself from table to table. This was a milestone for her. She even embraced her former husband. Of course, I knew that I could not nor would not even mention mom to my sister again. Any upset, hastens and deepens her dementia. Her health, especially eating, was progressively worsening. So no rocking the boat on my end.
As the attendees started to disperse, I made sure to insist everyone take home the flowers and planters, along with any take home food containers. After all was claimed, I loaded Dad into the Jeep for the short distance home. Dad was exhausted. But he repeated several times how all “those people told me how much mom meant to them.” Then he added and said twice “I’ve never felt so much love like what was in that room.”
Footnote: I started this blog post one year ago. It has taken me a year to even think about finishing it. It’s not for lack of content, as you will see in my next posts, but rather motivation. The moment, second mom died, something left me. I’ve determined that the “something” was my belief that I could no longer move the mountain of God. I would and could certainly pray, especially for others, but my prayers had little impact. After weathering a storm of family turmoil, I feel ready to start again.
Rich and Strange! 